Did you hate your male drive before starting hrt?

Hi, I am a pre everything transual, and I was just wondering if you absolutely hated your libido before you started hormones. Every day I have this need to relieve myself, and it disgusts me and makes me feel like I may be a fake transual. However my desire to transition is very strong, and is not a . Once I do all the psycological stuff and finally get on hrt and antiandrogens in a year or 2 will my drive change, and my need to use that disgusting male "appendage" vanish? It is not that I hate my uality, but yeah, having male urges is very very confusing for me and makes me question if I could be fake or not. It feels like I should have more of a desire to be touched and cuddled and the function of my gone forever. I mean I just hate how it feels on me, almost as though it is not even a real part of my body.